A love letter to the fearful future...
Dear Bruiser,
The shadows whisper. It's dark now, and quiet. I'm wondering what my life might turn into if one day I wake up and you've gone. How can we be so sure of something that has no physical form. I read that today - it left it's mark. There are few things that have no form but definitely exist; songs and love.
I have to trust you. It is daunting at times, to possess so much faith.
I only became a grown-up a few years ago. My emotions didn't know what they were for a long time. The constraints of maturity are new and beguiling: faith, altruism, monogamy...
Know this; when my nightmares seek me out and I wake paralysed in fear I reach for you. When I feel like I'm succeeding and I'm blissful I reach for you. I'm no longer young, I've had my share of strangers kisses. I can't imagine wanting anyone's kisses more than I crave yours.
I miss you when you're not around, even if it's just for a day. I love every tiny piece of you. All the faults, scars and parts of your body you won't show to anyone else. And it terrifies me. What if it stops? What if it's lust not love and I have nothing?
What if
What if you die? I allow myself to think this way, because right now you're not here.
You are not here to wrap your big arms around me and pull me into a bear hug
You are not here to transfer your body heat and quell my irrational fears
You are not here to hold me, in the stillness
You are not here to say to me “Don't worry, everything is going to be all right” (you silly, hopeless romantic...)
I am no limpet. I aspire. My dreams and perversions differ from yours. You once told me that intelligent people should never get bored. I don't. I have taken the time and sought out my strengths. I can spend time by myself much more in my maturity than I ever could in my teens. But I like it better when we are together.
You make me feel whole.
Yours
Yngvild
